


If You're on the Water, Take Care

by stilitana



Category: Helluva Boss (Web Series)
Genre: Bad Flirting, Bickering, Camping, Canon-Typical Behavior, Dialogue Heavy, Frenemies, Gen, Rated M for language and:, Road Trips, Slice of Life, Team Bonding, Teasing, Trust exercises, lots of bickering
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-12 09:46:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28883385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stilitana/pseuds/stilitana
Summary: In his latest bid to foster some company bonding, Blitzo whisks the crew away for a fun-filled retreat featuring the great outdoors and the benefits of team-building exercises.
Relationships: Blitzo & Loona (Helluva Boss), Blitzo & Millie (Helluva Boss), Blitzo & Moxxie (Helluva Boss), Blitzo/Stolas Goetia, Millie/Moxxie (Helluva Boss), Octavia Goetia & Loona, Octavia Goetia & Stolas Goetia
Comments: 9
Kudos: 56





	If You're on the Water, Take Care

**Author's Note:**

> I spent a couple insomnia coins writing this on a lark, and I figured someone else might like a bit of light reading in these trying times? No? That's fine. As more episodes come out, I expect this to become increasingly ooc, but that's okay--in the meantime, I wanted to play in this sandbox and have a little fun imagining the characters in silly scenarios and imagining what their interiority might be like in a bit more depth than we have gotten to see so far. Of course none of these characters or anything to do with Helluva Boss belong to me, all credit to Vivziepop!
> 
> I had a little laugh imagining these characters in a scenario something like The Office's lake episode, and then this happened... There will either be one or two more chapters depending on if I split the final part up.

The small radio crooned on the table, filling the kitchen with the soft sounds of dreamy jazz music as Moxxie chopped carrots and potatoes and hummed along under his breath, a handful of broken notes that died off in his throat. Behind him the fridge door opened and shut, the sink faucet went on and off. He took a deep breath and a crease formed between his brows as he concentrated on cutting perfect, even slices. 

Millie came up behind him and put a hand on his shoulder. “What are you sighing for, mister?” 

He startled, despite knowing she was the only other person there. “I didn’t mean to, sorry.” 

She laughed, pressing against him and kneading his shoulders with both hands. “Something on your mind, sweetheart? Talk to me.” 

“No, it’s nothing. Nothing new, I mean, just...you know.” 

He could hear her smile. “Right. Just the regular old weight of the world making these poor shoulders so tense.” 

She pressed her thumbs hard into the muscles at the base of his neck, moving them in circles. He groaned. “That hurts.” 

“Does it, or have you been all tensed up so long you’re scared to loosen up?” She leaned in closer, her breath warm on the side of his neck. “I think I know just what you need.” 

Her hands slid down his sides, and he realized what she was going to do a second too late, after she’d snuck her cold hands up his shirt and wriggled her fingers against his ribs. He yelped and jerked against the counter. “Hey, cut that out, no tickling while I’m holding a knife unless you’re _trying_ to make me cut my own finger off!” 

She cackled. “What, you’re not good enough with a knife not to slip up with a little bitty distraction like that? And here I thought you were supposed to be some kind of _weapons specialist_ or something...people will put anything on their resume to get a job these days.” 

Despite himself, he grinned. He turned around and pointed at her with the blade. “Hey, watch who you take that tone with, missy. I’ll have you know, I’m a professional now.” 

She grabbed his wrist and disarmed him, flicking the knife up and catching it with one hand, pressing her other against the counter behind him, boxing him in. “A professional, huh? I’ll bet you must have all kinds of tricks.” 

“Oh, well, you know,” he said, his brain stalling. For the first time that day, he lost track of his racing thoughts as his mind was filled with the closeness of her—her warmth, the smell of her skin, her knowing smirk and that darling little gap between her teeth. “Maybe one or two.” 

She hummed low in her throat and grinned, leaning close to press the flat of the blade against his throat, careful to keep the sharp edge away from his skin. “So you think you can put on a fancy suit and tie and call yourself a pro, huh? How’s about if I cut you out of it, see how professional you are then? We are what we are, I always say—once a crook’s a crook forever. I know you, mister, and I know all about your tricks.” 

When he swallowed he felt the cool metal press into his throat. He slid one leg up, bringing his knee just between her legs. She didn’t call him on it, but she leaned closer to press against him, and he did not miss the way the gleam in her eyes brightened as her breath hitched. “All of them? Are you so sure about that?” 

She lowered the knife and set it behind him on the counter, both arms caging him now, and her lips were parted and her eyes were on his mouth as she leaned closer, and then there was an unholy crashing sound that startled him so badly for a second he felt a static shock through all the blood in his body as his heart clenched. 

“Oh, fuck!” The overhead cabinet door swung open and a body tumbled out, along with a cacophony of metal pots and pans, all clanging to the floor. 

Moxxie screeched and Millie’s arms grabbed him close and squeezed as they stared at Blitzo lying in a heap on their kitchen floor, surrounded by the still-reverberating mess of cookware. He looked up at the two of them, rubbing his forehead. “Ouch. Aw, man, roleplay? And just when it was starting to get interesting!” 

Moxxie gawked at him, mouth hanging open for a second before he found his voice. “Are you fucking kidding me?” 

“You should really consider downsizing,” Blitzo said, gesturing at the carnage around him. “I mean, really, who needs this many pans? What are you doing, running a soup kitchen? Seriously, it’s cramped in there, not nearly enough leg room, and I’m not typically one to complain about economy class, but this is just ridiculous.” 

Moxxie tried to flail, but Millie was still hugging him, which was just as well, really. “You—this is—you can’t just—what are you doing in our house? I told you, sir, this has _got_ to stop!” 

“Yeah, yeah, don’t get your panties in a twist,” Blitzo said, waving a hand and making no move to pick himself up off the floor, instead leaning back and making himself comfortable. “I guess you don’t want to hear my super exciting news, then...” 

“No, I don’t. I really, really don’t.” 

“But if it’s work related, then as your boss, I really have every right to be here, don’t you think? Back me up here, Mills.” 

Millie unwound her arms from Moxxie, keeping one hand wrapped around him and giving his arm a gentle squeeze. “Well, sir, I...as nice as it is having you drop in, a little heads-up might be nice. Not everybody likes surprises, and I think what Moxxie here’s been trying to tell you is, maybe he’d be happier to spend time with you outside work if it didn’t always mean you popping up out of nowhere and just about giving him a heart attack every time, is all.” 

Moxxie blinked at her, pressing his mouth into a line, trying to flatten the panic off his face even as his heart was still pounding furiously. “You think?” 

She smiled sheepishly at him, shrugging. 

Blitzo groaned. “Oh, please. Your husband’s fragile constitution is his problem. If he doesn’t like jump scares, maybe he should just grow a pair and quit screaming like a little bitch every time I happen to pop by to say hello to my employees.” 

Moxxie pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes as if that would make this hideous apparition disappear. His voice came out high and strangled when he spoke. “Sir, I find it very difficult to believe you actually just want to give us a friendly hello, when every time I see you, you’re either breaking into our home, or insulting me. Or both.” 

“Well, every time I see you, you start shouting!” Blitzo said, throwing his hands in the air. “How do you think that makes a guy feel, huh?” 

“The front door is _right_ there!” Moxxie said, flinging one arm out to point. “There’s this thing called knocking, that normal people do when they want to stop by.” 

Blitzo crossed his arms. “That’s a little cold, don’t you think? I mean, the front door, really? That’s for strangers and one-night stands. Is that all I am to you? You’d really subject me to that walk of shame?” 

Moxxie put his hand over his face. “I can’t. I can’t do it. I’m losing my mind.” 

Millie rubbed her hand up and down his back. “It’s okay, sweetheart, I got this, you just take some deep breaths. What’s your news, Blitz?” 

“Really, you want to get straight to business? You haven’t even offered me anything to drink! What kind of hospitality is that to show your guests?” 

Moxxie growled. Millie kept rubbing his back. Her tone was still sweet, but he knew her well enough to detect an edge of impatience when she next spoke. “Listen, sir, we were _kind of_ in the middle of something, so you’ll have to excuse us if our manners aren’t quite up to snuff just now—maybe if you let us know you’re swinging by next time, we can have a drink all ready for you and make up for it.” 

Moxxie could have kissed her—there was something about listening to her manage situations that made him want to stick his head in a pot of boiling water that really got to him. She kept him grounded with a simple touch, always seeming to know how much he needed without overwhelming or smothering him. Not to mention he felt oddly gratified, knowing that in this moment at least she shared some of his irritation with being interrupted. Oh yes, he was going to show her how much he appreciated her in this moment, later. 

Later, when his boss wasn’t making himself at home on the floor of their kitchen. 

Blitzo sighed and stood up, dusting himself off. “Okay, okay. Fine, geez, I get it, no fun allowed over here. Which is exactly why I’ve just had the most genius idea—we're going to take a little company trip.” 

Moxxie crossed his arms. “We got another job? You couldn’t have just told us this tomorrow?” 

“No, no—not a job, a vacation.” 

Millie grinned. “A vacation? Oh, Blitz, you shouldn’t have!” 

“Yeah, you really shouldn’t have,” Moxxie said. “You get that those two words don’t really go together, right? Company and vacation?” 

“I thought you might feel that way, Moxxie, but no need to fret, my workaholic friend—I’ve planned this whole thing out, and I promise you, a team-building retreat is exactly what I.M.P. needs to up our game in the next fiscal quarter. Does that get you hard or what?” 

“Oh, god damn it,” Moxxie muttered under his breath. “Sir, just because you throw around business terms doesn’t make this little scheme a good use of our time or resources. We’re barely earning enough to cover our overhead expenses, how are we going to fund some kind of trip?” 

“Man, you know, I thought you’d be less of a dipshit about this if I caught you off-hours, but I guess you don’t take the stick out of your ass when you clock out, huh? I feel for you, Mills, I really do.” 

Millie squeezed his arm and Moxxie bit down on the inside of his cheek, holding his tongue to let her speak. “Oh, Blitz, don’t go provoking him—Moxxie’s just trying to be practical and look out for us and the company, that’s all.” 

“Exactly,” Moxxie said. 

Blitzo regarded her with a wounded look. “So you’re taking his side, huh? And I thought you were the fun one.” 

“Well, hang on a minute,” Millie said, blushing. “I’m not taking any side, but I didn’t say I didn’t like the idea...” 

“Millie!” Moxxie said, twisting to look at her. 

“Oh, come on, Mox, this could be exactly what we need! I hate to see you so stressed like you’ve been lately—a vacation might do you some good. I think it could be fun.” 

“But, Millie, we don’t even know what the plan is yet, how can you say that?” 

She shrugged and patted his back. “A little spontaneity never hurt anybody, Mox Mox.” 

“Oh, I would really beg to differ.” 

“If you’d let me finish, I’ll clue you in,” Blitzo said. “Since you’re so budget-conscience, I figure you’ll really like this—we're going to Stillwater Lake. No fees, no expenses, just good boring old nature. We don’t even have to pay for gas, thanks to our, er....sponsor.” 

“Sponsor?” Moxxie said, raising a brow. 

Blitzo rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah, Stolas will be there.” 

“Uh-huh. And _why_ does royalty want to join us for a weekend of slumming it at some backwater imp vacation destination?” 

“Why do you think?” 

Moxxie raised a brow. “I don’t feel comfortable answering that question.” 

Blitzo groaned. “He thinks this is going to be some kind of father-daughter bonding opportunity, okay? And before you go spouting off again, I’ve been told the business will be compensated for having him and Octavia along. Is that practical enough for you?” 

“By compensated, you do mean...” 

“Money. I mean money.” 

Moxxie sighed, looking sidelong at Millie. “I don’t know...” 

“It’s just for one night, come on, don’t be such a stick in the mud,” Blitzo said. 

“We’re staying the night?” Moxxie said, his voice going high. 

“Come on, Mox, let’s give it a shot,” Millie said. “You might enjoy yourself.” 

“I’ve never understood what’s supposed to be so fun about camping. If I wanted to sleep outside on the ground, I wouldn’t be paying rent.” 

“Yeah, well, suck it up buttercup, ‘cause this trip ain’t optional. I’ll be conducting performance reviews, and if I don’t like what I see, then we’ll just see about how much longer you’ve got a job. How do you like that?” 

“You can’t do that, sir!” 

“As your boss, I’m pretty sure I can, actually. So get packing. I’ll see you both bright and early tomorrow morning,” Blitzo said, grinning and bopping them both on the nose as he shouldered his way between them on his way out the front door. 

Millie hugged him. “Oh sweetie, don’t be upset. I know it’s not how you were expecting things to go, but don’t you think it could at least be a little fun?” 

“If it was just you and me, then yeah, but that guy gets a kick out of winding me up.” 

Millie leaned back, hands holding his arms as she regarded him with fond exasperation. “Well, Mox, you do give him a pretty big reaction, you gotta admit.” 

“Oh, so it’s my fault, huh?” 

“No, no, I’m not saying that. Just...well, come on, you know Blitz as well as I do. You know I wouldn’t take the shit he talks from just anyone, but he...” 

“What?” Moxxie said, narrowing his eyes. 

“I think he’s lonely,” she murmured, giving him a sad smile and a little shrug. “Sure, he don’t go about making friends in the most...well, regular sort of way, but...come on, you know he wants you to like him.” 

“He _what_?” 

“Oh, Moxxie, it’s so obvious, sweetie—he wants you to like spending time with him! I mean, to be fair, I think Blitz’s the type who wants everyone to like him, but...well, we’re the ones closest to him.” 

“Millie, I can believe he wants you to like him—he’s halfway nice to you.” 

“Me and him have a totally different rapport than the two of you, it’s not the same.” She sighed, and her gaze slid past him. “He reminds me of one of my brothers. Always acting up, making a scene, poking fun. Even when it got him into trouble. He just didn’t know when to quit—to him, any attention was good attention. Better than none at all.” 

“Well, Blitzo’s not your brother, he’s our boss. You’re saying you think I should just, what, put up with everything without complaint?” 

“No. I’m just...we’ve talked about this. I know that, much as you hate to admit it, there are parts of Blitzo you find worth sticking around for, or else we’d have up and quit by now. So if we’re going to stick with him, well...don’t you think you might as well enjoy yourself as much as you can? Don’t you think trying to understand him better and see his side of things now and then could only make your life easier?” 

“But he’s not going to bother doing the same for me,” Moxxie muttered, looking away. “Don’t say it, I know how childish that sounds, but...but it’s one thing to have to swallow my pride and put up with a boss who seems to enjoy humiliating me, in order to keep my job. That’s not the same as buying into his delusion that we’re friends.” 

“I don’t know, Mox—maybe he’ll surprise you.” 

He sighed, looking back at her and settling his hands on her waist. “You’re always looking for everybody’s hidden depths. How do you do it? You look right past all the crap on the surface that everybody else sees and find something worth caring about.” 

She smiled, half flattered and half shy. “It’s only what I’d want someone else to do for me.” 

“Oh, but honey, that’s hardly fair—you make it so easy,” he said, smiling and tugging her closer. 

There was an old sadness in her eyes and her smile sometimes that he thought he’d almost chased away. She looked at him sometimes like he was the best thing she’d ever seen. She was doing it now. It overwhelmed him, left him disoriented and humbled, left him wanting to be someone worth looking at that way. “Well, not everyone would think so.” 

“But I do.” 

“Yes, you do.” 

Somehow, the night got back on track after that. 

The black van sat idling on the curb outside the derelict office building. Blitzo tapped his foot on the curb, frowning. “Come on come on, people, we don’t have all day. What’s taking so long?” 

“I’m just making sure we have everything we need, sir,” Moxxie said, eyes darting across the list in his hands. “I did put the first-aid kit in the bag, didn’t I? I’ll just check again.” 

“You already checked, Mox, it’s there,” said Millie, plucking the list out of his hands and folding it before tossing it into the van and shutting the trunk. 

Loona heaved a sigh. “This is already the lamest trip ever and we haven’t even gotten there yet. It’s bad enough I’m spending a weekend with you—why do these two have to be there?” 

“Loona, I told you, you’re part of our team-family, and that means joining us for team-family trips.” 

Loona rolled her eyes. “Fine, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.” 

“That’s the spirit,” Blitzo said, patting her on the shoulder and hopping in behind the wheel. “All right, everybody in, no backing out now, let’s go!” 

Loon clambered into the middle set of seats, snarling at Moxxie when he climbed in behind her and jerking her thumb to point at the back row of seats. “Don’t even think about sitting here.” 

“I wasn’t going to,” he said, slinking past her into the back and extending a hand to help Millie up into the van. She took it and smiled at him, letting him assist her, even though both of them knew she didn’t need him to. 

“Oh Mox, this is so exciting, we’ve never been camping together before! We’re going to have so much fun,” she said, sliding next to him on the backseat and pressing their sides together. The grin she gave him was so radiant he found himself smiling hesitantly back. 

“I’m glad you’re excited,” he said. 

She sighed, hugging his arm. “I know you were nervous last night, but I knew you’d come around just like always, my brave little Mox Mox.” 

Loona gagged and twisted around to spear them with a withering look. “Jesus Christ, are you two going to carry on like that all day?” 

Millie stuck her tongue out. “We’re not bothering anybody, just mind your own business.” 

“That’s a little hard to do when you’re being disgusting right next to me.” 

“All right, children, no fighting,” Blitzo said, pulling the car off the curb and into traffic, lurching forward with a sudden slam of the gas pedal. “Remember, we’re doing this to get to know each other even better, you know, gain a new appreciation for our teammates and all that good stuff. By the time we get back to civilization, we’ll be closer than ever!” 

“Pretty sure I’ve had nightmares about this scenario,” Loona muttered. 

Moxxie tensed, sitting ramrod straight on the seat. “I think I left the oven on.” 

“You didn’t, hon.” 

“But what if I did?” 

Millie patted him on the knee. “You went back in to check just as soon as we got out the door this morning, remember? It’s definitely off.” 

“But it _feels_ like it might be on.” 

“That’s just your mind playing tricks on you. Tell them worries of yours who’s boss and they’ll leave you alone,” she said, poking him on the cheek. “And if they don’t, tell them _I’ve_ got a bone to pick with any pesky little bad thoughts that try to give _my_ Moxxie a hard time.” 

“I’ve just got a bad feeling about this whole thing. Maybe we should reschedule.” 

“God damn it, Moxxie, I told you to leave the bitching and moaning at home! I worked really hard to plan this trip. How do you think it feels having to listen to nothing but whining? I told you this is a team building retreat, so start getting along or so help me, I will make you pay.” 

“I know what’ll take everybody’s mind off things and start this trip off right,” Millie said, grinning. “Road trip games!” 

“Oh god, no,” Loona said. 

“Well, what about a song then?” she said. 

Loona turned around and snarled. “If any of you start singing, I won’t be held responsible for what happens next.” 

“So what, you just want us to sit here in silence then?” Moxxie said. 

“Anything’s better than the sound of your voice.” 

“Why do you have to be so mean?” Millie said. “We didn’t do nothing to you!” 

“You call annoying me to within an inch of my life nothing?” 

“You know, I’ve been reading a lot of team-building materials to prepare for this, and so you know what I hear right now? An opportunity for growth. Let’s dig in here and really get to the heart of the issue. Loona, what _do_ you find so unspeakably obnoxious about M and M? Try and be specific.” 

“Do I have to have a reason? Isn’t it enough that the sound of their voices fills me with unbridled rage?” 

“I see,” Blitzo said, nodding sagely. “And what potential solutions do you see to overcome this interpersonal issue?” 

“They could shut up.” 

“Sir, this is ridiculous—that's not a real problem, she’s just being hostile for no reason, like always!” Moxxie said. 

“Well, Moxxie, are you going to keep crying to me to fix this, or do you want to grow a spine and try to resolve this issue yourself?” 

“I—but—” Moxxie glanced at Loona, who glowered at him. He cringed. “I’m good.” 

“Well, maybe I will then,” said Millie. “Loona, ever since we met, it seems like you’ve had a problem with us, and I just don’t get why. We don’t have to be friends if you don’t want to, but you don’t have to go out of your way to be nasty either.” 

“Ugh! Jump off my dick already, would you? Everything’s a federal fucking case with you guys, like seriously! I don’t hate you any more than I hate anybody else, what do you want from me? How fragile are you people? Do I need to put on velvet freaking gloves to keep you from going crazy whenever I hurt your little Moxie Woxie’s feelings? Half the time I’m just teasing, okay? And I’m pretty sure you guys _do_ get that, most of the time, so maybe stop trying to fix things that don’t need fixing, okay, Blitzo? God! You keep pushing this happy family thing so hard and it’s like I don’t have room to breathe!” 

“Oh,” Moxxie said, eyes wide as something dawned on him. “I get it. You’re not really mad at us, you’re mad at _him_. That makes sense.” 

Loona growled at him. “Didn’t I tell you to shut up?” 

“And what’s so wrong with that? I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was a crime to want my family to be happy,” said Blitzo. 

Loona rolled her eyes. “What do you know about how a happy family’s supposed to act, anyway?” 

“Absolutely nothing, but hey, a guy can try.” 

“Hey now,” Millie said. “I don’t think you’re doing half bad, Blitz. Hell, I’m pretty darn happy. Aren’t you happy, Moxxie?” 

He looked at her and she winked. “Oh, yeah, happy—I’m happy, yeah. Well, I mean—nobody’s happy all the time, but that doesn’t have to mean something’s wrong, right? Sometimes you’re just not happy, and you don’t really need or want somebody to try and make you be, just because your misery is, well, inconvenient, or something. Which is...I think what Loona’s trying to tell you, sir. Maybe.” 

He cringed, expecting to have his head bitten off. Instead Loona just huffed and blew her bangs out of her eye. “Whatever.” 

He breathed out a sigh of relief, and Millie squeezed his arm. 

“Wow. Look at that, making so much progress already! I’m proud of us,” Blitzo said. “See? I told you this was a good idea.” 

Moxxie sighed and leaned against Millie. Not even an hour into this trip, and he was already getting a headache. 

They picked up the Goetia patriarch and his daughter outside the gates at the end of the long drive leading up to the distant manor house. Presumably, they were embarrassed to be seen getting into a car with a bunch of imps, Moxxie supposed. Or maybe Stolas was just avoiding the ire of the lady of the house. 

“Good morning, Blitzy! Oh, I hardly slept a wink last night, I was so _stimulated_ imagining what excitement we’d have today,” Stolas said, folding himself into the passenger seat beside Blitzo while his daughter sat down beside Loona. 

“Hey,” said Loona, nodding at the other girl. 

“I imagine you’re as thrilled about all this as I am,” Octavia said. 

Loona smirked. “Tell me about it.” 

“And this must be your dear daughter,” Stolas said, twisting around in his seat to beam at Loona, who stared back in wary alarm. “How very nice to meet you properly, Loona. I’m a good friend of your father’s. He speaks very highly of you, you must be a wonderful young woman.” 

“Ugh. You talk to him about me?” Loona said. 

“And since you’re not on the clock this time, Blitzy, why don’t you introduce us to your employees officially—I’m afraid last time I was a little preoccupied and didn’t exactly take notice of all the help—I mean, your colleagues.” 

“Charming,” Moxxie muttered. 

“Well, the shrill mouthy one is Moxxie, and Millie’s the cute bloodthirsty one who can’t keep her hands to herself.” 

Stolas blinked at them, and Moxxie noticed that he hadn’t in fact twisted around in his seat at all—his head had just rotated backwards on his neck. Huh. So that was something. “I’m afraid that doesn’t really clear things up for me. Forgive me if it takes me a few tries to get your names right, they _are_ very similar.” 

Millie smiled, a little shy. “That’s okay, your highness.” 

“Oh, please, do call me Stolas—this is a social outing, after all,” he said, and chuckled, like he was indulging in something at least mildly scandalous. 

“Well, all right then,” Millie said, wriggling out of her seat and leaning between Loona and Octavia to stick her hand out. “Hi there, Stolas. _I’m_ Millie, and _this_ handsome fella is Moxxie. We sure had fun working for you at Loo Loo Land—I used to love that place, so thanks for giving us a reason to visit.” 

Stolas hesitated only a second before putting his hand in hers, looking delighted when she pumped his hand up and down in a firm, enthusiastic handshake. Moxxie tamped down the urge to swat Stolas’ hand out of hers. So the guy hadn’t yet gotten over it being exotic or whatever, hanging out with people who weren’t born in a mansion. He was still unexpectedly generous for royalty, even if he did have some kind of obsession with Blitzo. He was the reason they were allowed to keep the book and stay in business, so Moxxie figured he couldn’t be too bad. 

“Oh, my pleasure, dear,” Stolas said. He then leaned down to peck a little kiss to the back of Millie’s hand. 

“Oh,” she said, giving a little gasp and quickly retracting her hand. She giggled as if to cover up her potential faux pas. Moxxie considered rescinding his previous judgement on Stolas’ character until further deliberation. 

“After Loona here, your two names are the ones Blitzy mentions the most,” Stolas said. 

“Oh really?” Moxxie said. 

“Okay, that’s enough! Getting awfully chummy all of a sudden, aren’t you?” Blitzo said. “Last time you didn’t have a sideways glance to spare their way.” 

“Yes, well, as I said, I was preoccupied,” Stolas said, gazing at Blitzo. “But since this isn’t a work function, you don’t expect me to be so rude as to snub your little friends, do you? If they’re important to you, then they must be worth knowing.” 

“Gee, thanks,” Moxxie muttered, crossing his arms. 

“Meh. They’re okay I guess,” said Blitzo. 

Stolas laughed like he’d just told a hilarious joke. “Ah, forgive me, but—I know your names always come up together, but I’m not exactly clear on what your relation is to each other.” 

“We’re married, your maj—um.” Moxxie cut himself off. He wasn’t going to disrespect the guy’s wishes, but that didn’t mean he felt comfortable name-dropping royalty to his face. 

“Oh, married! How...delightful?” Stolas said, though there was something tense and twitchy to his expression now as he studied the two of them. 

“It is, isn’t it?” said Millie, snuggling close to Moxxie. 

Stolas seemed to relax after that assertion, and smiled at them. 

“Is it?” Loona muttered, and Octavia gave a muffled snort of amusement. 

Stolas smiled at his daughter and Loona. “Look at our daughters, Blitzy, getting along so well.” 

Blitzo spared a glance backwards at Loona and gave her a smile. “That is kinda nice, isn’t it?” 

Loona scoffed and rolled her eyes, the smallest smile on her face. 

“I know just the way to kick off the bonding!” Stolas said. “Road trip games.” 

“Yes!” said Millie. “That’s what I said!” 

“You mean like spin the bottle? ‘Cause I don’t know that in our present company that’s the best—” 

“Oh no,” Stolas said, chuckling. “I mean word games. I have just the one—it was your favorite when we took our family holidays, don’t you remember, Octavia?” 

“Uh...no, Dad, I don’t.” 

“You’ll remember once we start. It’s a very simple game called Fortunately, Unfortunately. The first person starts with a premise, like...once there was a little imp who found himself lost in the human world. Then the next person continues the story by saying, ‘fortunately, such and such happened,’ and you carry on like that swinging from good to bad luck until the story is done. So, your turn now, Blitzy.” 

“Oh. Uh...okay, well, fortunately, he had a book that let him get right back to hell whenever he wanted.” 

“Good, perfect. Now just keep it going. Your turn, Loona,” Stolas said. 

“Um...unfortunately, he was a dumbass klutz and lost the book when he fell in a river.” 

“Fortunately, he knew how to swim and made it safely back to dry land,” said Octavia. 

“But unfortunately, the book was gone and he was lost all alone in the middle of the wilderness full of hungry predators and bloodthirsty cannibal humans eager to strip the flesh from his bones!” Millie said, bouncing in her seat. 

“F...fortunately, he knew where the portal he’d come through was, so all he had to do was find his way back," Moxxie said.

“Unfortunately, he’d broken both his legs when he fell in the river,” Stolas said. 

“Fortunately, he’d spent enough time in the traveling circus that he knew how to walk on his hands,” said Blitzo. 

“Unfortunately, a pack of hungry wolves and a mob of humans with pitchforks were closing in,” said Loona. 

“Fortunately, he was able to slip away unseen by using the humans as a distraction and leaving them to the wolves,” said Octavia. 

“Unfortunately, his boss would definitely kill him if he came back without the book, so he couldn’t go home without it,” Millie said. 

“This is impossible!” 

Millie giggled. “Come on Mox, don’t give up already.” 

He sighed. “Fortunately, he’d put a tracking...device...thingy on the book, so he knew exactly where it was.” 

“Unfortunately, where it was happened to be falling down a waterfall,” Stolas said. 

“Fortunately, waterfall jumping was his hobby, so he flung himself off that bad boy no problem,” Blitzo said. 

“Unfortunately, he cracked his stupid head open on the way down and forgot who he was,” Loona said. 

“Fortunately, a kind childless couple of owls found him and decided to raise him as their own,” said Octavia. 

“Unfortunately, when he found out he was adopted, he felt betrayed and decided to go and find people of his own kind, whatever that was,” Millie said. 

“Fortunately, he still had the means of finding the book, so even though he didn’t know what it was, he decided he’d start by finding it.” 

“Unfortunately, the book was illegible after years of accumulating water damage,” Stolas said. 

“Fortunately, his friends back in hell had put a search party together to go and find him,” said Blitzo. 

“Unfortunately, his friends were incompetent dickbags who spent the day drinking because they didn’t actually give a shit.” 

“Fortunately, a couple of them had a change of heart and ventured into the human world to start their search,” said Octavia. 

“Unfortunately, a group of hunters caught them sneaking around the woods and they got chased into the river.” 

“This could go on forever! _Fortunately,_ they fell in the same river as before and at the bottom of the waterfall they found their friend. The end.” 

“Unfortunately,” said Stolas, “they’d also hit their heads and forgotten where the return portal was.” 

Moxxie groaned while beside him, Millie laughed and bumped their shoulders together, lacing her fingers with his, tangling their hands in her lap. 

Unfortunately, it was going to be a long car ride. 

Fortunately, the company wasn’t too bad, all things considered.


End file.
